Not too long ago, I remember my most pressing financial concern being how I was going to pay the bills. Each day I went to work and put in an honest effort in order to earn the paycheck that I felt I so desperately needed in order to pay my bills.

Paying my bills was my way of proving to the world that I was a contributing member of society. What baloney!

All of the challenges I overcame and anxiety I endured at work wasn’t for me. It was all for the people to whom I paid my bills.

I had dreams of a better future, of upward mobility both financially and in my career. But I envisioned the payoff for that achievement as the privilege to pay off bigger bills.

I, of course didn’t see it the way you’re probably reading it. I envisioned paying more for things because they were nicer things. I was measuring the richness of my life not by the actual quality of my life, but by the quality of the things around me. In other words, everyone and everything around me would benefit from my achievements. Yet I would maintain with more of the same.

Growing up

My parents divorced when I was about 5. Most of what I remember of my time on earth prior to the divorce has come through anecdotes told to me by my mother.

Most of these stories involved some mention of the financial hardship my mother endured as the result of my fathers a) lack of professional skills and b) overall lazyness.

I still have fond memories of my father. But throughout my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood I was determined to not be a drain on my loved ones the way he was. I was determined to be self-sufficient and financially supportive of those around me.

That’s not such a bad thing. In fact I still think it’s a good thing. Where I went wrong with it though is, again, I felt that my value as a contributing member of society was a function of my ability to spend for the sake of the happiness and well-being of those around me.

So, of course, I spent money without regard for my overall financial health. It saddens me to think about how misguided I was and how I couched financial ignorance and recklessness in the guise of goodwill toward those I loved, as well as toward those with whom I would someday form my own family.

Reality

In my mind I was righting the wrongs put upon my mother by my father. In reality I was just an idiot. A real financial moron. And, as the saying goes, “a fool and his money are easily parted”. I was no exception.

As I began to change my ways for the better, I realized that the money that I earned each day at work was MY money. It was up to me to nurture that money into a the seed that would bear the fruit of wonderful life experiences. That money could end up as an insignificant contribution to the profit margins of several businesses to whom I paid bills each month. Or, it could end up taking care of me in my later years, and providing for my self and family.

Talk about a shift! Wow!

At the time I made this realization, I was tens of thousands of dollars in debt. This new information seemed valuable, but almost academic. I thought, “OK. It’s MY money. I’ve been squandering it all these years. But debts are real. Financial obligations are real. What can I do to start putting that money into my own pocket when I really do have bills to pay each month?”

Reformation

For starters, I didn’t take on any new obligations. No new financial commitments until I had shed old ones.

This gets into the old question of whether to first pay off the debt with the highest interest rate or the debt with the lowest balance. At that point, it didn’t really matter. Just committing to attacking the debt and paying more than the minimum was a big shift. After several months of playing offense I had the confidence to choose between the two approaches. I first went for a quick win, paying off a small debt to build confidence. Then, feeling a bit stronger after the win, I went for a bigger challenge, paying off a somewhat larger debt.

The debts diminished. I made progress. Some months I made more progress than others. But I was finally in the drivers seat. It was MY money and I was telling it what to do in order to help me to achieve MY goals.

I encountered some major issues. It turned out that taking a 15-year mortgage instead of a 30 was a bad idea. Our taxes had gone up significantly. We had a second child. So we had to make choices. Thankfully, sending my children to a quality pre-school is more valuable to me than a lot of things that seemed important prior to having children. We adjusted, made some important decisions and moved ahead.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice isn’t sacrifice when you believe in the end result. We had wanted to own a home for years during the time when home values were soaring, home improvement shows were all the rage and the way to make “real” money was to buy and flip real estate. We sold our home and moved to west coast in search of greener pastures.

We left behind the tree swing in the front yard which I personally installed. I have absolutely the fondest memories of swinging my son and his neighborhood friends in that swing. My son has those memories too. But my daughter (our younger of the two) won’t.

We left behind the chronology of markings on the door jam which recorded our son’s height as he grew.

We left behind the friends and neighbors that we adored. We left behind our church. We left behind seven years of our lives because we needed to find more fertile pastures where my wife and I could earn more in order to overcome our debts and begin to develop financial strength.

We have found that strength. We are absolutely better off today than we were then. And while I have no regrets about the choices we have made since realizing that our money is OUR money, I would absolutely have preferred to have not felt compelled to literally give up my life in order to achieve financial health.

In the end

In the end, we have made the right choices since realizing that our money is OUR money. We are finally on the right track. And I don’t think we would have made equally good choices without having had that realization.

Understanding that reward comes through responsibility, and that ownership is one route to responsibility has been very helpful to us.

If paying your bills on time makes you feel like an up-standing citizen, then your perspective is warped. Your paradigm of social value is broken.

Live without debt. Work with things you love. And for your own sake, live as far below your means as you can. The enjoyment you receive from spending is fleeting, and is  nothing compared to the joy of being in control of your life.